I may have recently put more than a moderate amount of focus into my temporal world. I recycle, I air dry laundry, I ponder the cosmos and our existence here on earth. I am definitely a believer. I believe in God and His Son who was sent here to atone for our sinful nature. But I believe I have spent entirely too much effort on the temporal world.
I mean think about it, everything we see and feel and smell and experience… all of it is impermanent. All of it.
I spend so much effort trying to live “right” and to take care of what’s been given to me and to take care of my relationships that I’ll experience reflux and muscle fatigue. I just get plain worn out.
The other side of my recent approach would be to throw everything away, dry my clothes every morning to a comfortable warm temperature, become the epitome of a consumer and approach life with a “screw everybody” attitude.
But I am striving for moderation for me. For my health. And all of this will fade away and all that will exist will be our spiritual selves.
On the relationship front, I put so much effort into connecting with others and keeping them emotionally comfortable, keeping the tension low. Even if they’ve done something wrong, I’ll still take responsibility and do everything I can to fix it in the present and take the burden of guilt home with me.
Why? Because that’s what I did growing up. The tension was so high, always, between my mom and dad. And it was my fault. I was the reason they got married and stayed together. So I had to bring the tension down. Especially in my pre-teen years.
Well at least that’s what I believe. That’s what makes logical sense. But I may be way off. The only other reason I have is because that’s what I’ve always done. Always.
Conceptually blogging, why do I spend so much of this brief, temporal world focus on relationships that will fade away? “Life’s too short” and all that jazz. It’s because I don’t know how to internally live within my own boundaries. But I want to try. Because I can literally feel my insides destroying themselves as I exist in every moment only to keep the mood light. I want to take care of my body as best as I can.
No one else will…
So my hope is to not forsake my belief system but to alter it so that I can allow myself freedom to experience joy with the purchase of a new TV or avoid punishing myself for throwing away a plastic bottle when there’s no recycling container. I want to take a stand for myself and allow for conflict.
After all, this is all going to fade away anyway. Why spend so much effort trying to live “right” within it?