Man, wouldn’t that be nice? If the culmination of vulnerability and transparency through this arduous recovery process were a seminal moment where it ALL made sense and you could move forward with certainty knowing that you would never again become the person you once were?
Yeah, I don’t believe that’s the case. It’d be great. But from the many survivors I’ve talked with, whose blogs I’ve read… they found a peace, a contentedness in being present, in accepting what is, what isn’t and who they are. They found peace knowing that while every day is a recovery day, that didn’t mean the days would all be bad, that they would have to put forth maximum effort to avoid the pitfalls of victimhood. That each day represents the possibility to put new, learned life skills to work as the challenges and opportunities of each day so reveal themselves.
If I’m putting an underscore, a foundation to this notion, I think it would have to be the presence of both good (the hope that things get better or that for child victims, that good exists at all) and evil. For good to exist, evil must exist as well. I think about the universe and the celestial bodies in orbit around each other, only able to orbit because of the presence of their counterpoint. Our earth has the sun, our moon – the earth and so on… I believe the same exists within the boundaries of spirituality and morality – good vs. evil.
To have experienced some of the worst evil that man has to offer has been tragic. Probably more the delay in experiencing those pent up emotions – I swear, they must have developed painful interest in my emotional bank during those 25+ years! However, I believe everyone will at one point witness or personally experience evil – a person’s blithe willingness to inflict harm upon another. That experience in my life, like every other life on this earth, has happened. And to be fair to the tragedy, it’s going to benchmark my emotional response to any evil I experience. For example, my wallet was stolen two days after Christmas. After about 30 minutes of panic, I measured the impact of that event against my past abuse. It didn’t even compare. I took the steps to protect myself and got a new wallet within a week. Resolved.
There is no Eureka! I wish there were. There still may be… But I’m not holding out hope for it. I’ll breathe and connect with each day and each day with myself. My whole self, emotions and otherwise. I’ll continue to learn to take care of myself and exercise personal compassion when I miss the mark. I’ll accept each day, each moment for what it is.
And who knows, maybe that’s my own little eureka?